NBA 2k12: Best of the Best

So for some reason or another, I cannot get over the strangeness of the NBA 2k12 commercials from this year. I do like the fact that Michael Jordan will finally be in a video game (he was in 2k11 as well), but this time facing off against other stars, not just having his best performances re-created. That SOB would have been disgussssssssssssssssssting in the old school NBA Jam games. It always sucked having to pick between Ron Harper, Scottie Pippen, and Ho Grant whenever you wanted to play as the old school Bulls. I dig the fact that I am going to be able to purchase this gold mine of “Who is better?” teams that span over the careers of The Hick from French Lick, Magic, MJ, etc. That is definitely something that would tickle any basketball fan’s fancy.

Now, let us break down the teams that EA deemed necessary to fit into the equation:

1996 Chicago Bulls

This incarnation of the Bulls, the first in the SECOND three year dynasty within an eight year span is quite possibly the greatest NBA team of all-time. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY accept this suggestion for GOAT in the team category and as a bonus: Chi-town was nominated by the man himself. How can you argue with this suggestion? They finished the regular season 72-10, becoming the first team to win 70+ in the history of the NBA. The second place team in the Central Division, the Indiana Pacers, finished with a respectable record of 52-30. THE BULLS WON THEIR DIVISION BY TWENTY GAMES!!! They played that season like men amongst boys, winning the Eastern Conference by twelve games over Orlando, who finished 60-22. They were coached by the second-best coach in NBA History in Phil Jackson.

Side note on the Zen Master: I do not care how many titles he has under his belt (10), or the fact that I was not alive at the time (barely a twinkle in my parents’ eyes). Phil Jackson was not a better coach than Red Auerbach. Red was the architect of nine championships in eleven years. He BUILT the Boston Celtics. He retired from the bench and moved into the front office, winning SEVEN MORE TITLES as the main man behind all the moves, puffing stogies all the way to the bank. You are telling me a man who BUILT THE BOSTON FUCKING CELTICS is not as good a coach or basketball mind as Phil Jackson? Please. He waltzed into not one, but two, ideal situations: MJ, Pippen, Rodman in Chicago; Shaq and Kobe in Los Angeles. I could win an NBA title with those guys in my lineup. What else did he do? Invent the triangle offense? Cool. Come to me when he orchestrates his way into another cushy chair where all the pieces are already in place for him to “build a franchise” to six more titles.

In the first round of the second season, they ripped through the Miami Heat in a tidy three game sweep. Nothing to see here…

The second round, they took care of Pat Ewing and the Knicks, four games to one. Other than the one surprising victory by the Knicks, not much to see here…

MJ and company proceeded to slap around the dynamic duo of Shaq and Penny in the Eastern Conference Finals, before catching Shawn Kemp between pizzas and making sure The Glove didn’t fit, disposing of the Sonics in the NBA finals.

All in all, MJ and Co. finished the season 87-13. They won 87% of the games they played in the 1995-96 NBA season. I’d say that’s a strong case right there.

Rating: A++

1991 Trail Blazers

The 1990-91 Portland Trail Blazers finished the regular season 63-19 and were dispatched in the Western Conference Finals by the Lakers. How in the hell is that even in the contest for greatest of all-time? The Lakers had an aging James Worthy (possibly his last good, full season), Magic Johnson (who retired after the season due to HIV), Vlade Divac (okay he wasn’t THAT bad), and AC Green. That is an alright lineup from the nineties, but come on. The Portland Trail Blazers? Please dude in the alternative lookin’ outfit, no chance in hell.

Rating: C, tops

1986 Boston Celtics

Possibly the greatest Celtics team of all-time. The consensus best team pre-1996 Bulls. There is no way you can argue about the merit of this team.

Bird. McHale. Parish. DJ. Ainge. Walton off the bench.

This was a great fuckin’ team.

The Green went 40-1 at home. They finished 67-15 in the regular season.

They slapped Young MJ and the Baby Bulls in the first round, 3-0, winning by 19, 4, and 18 points in the set.

They beat Dominique and the Hawks around, 4-1.

Milwaukee? Go back to smelling that Dairy Air. 4-0.

Ralph Sampson? Hakeem Olajuwon? Please. Goodnight Bill Fitch and the Rockets, 4-2.

Final record? 82-20. They finished 49-1 inside the Garden, and 1-0 in Hartford, for a grand total of 50-1 at home. Even the damn Bulls didn’t do that. People talk about “Does home court really matter?”

I’d say that about sums it up.

Rating: A++

1979-91 “Showtime” Lakers

Okay here is the issue I take here. The dude who played JP from “Grandma’s Boy”, as well as Owen the misfit who was in love with that gross chick in “Dodgeball”, presented this case. Okay buddy, settle down.

Plus for this category, I need a little something more than the “Showtime Lakers”. Showtime is considered anytime Magic Johnson ever played for the Lakers (minus that ill-advised comeback at age thirty-six). Just like when that NASA satellite was falling to the Earth at a thousand miles an hour and they gave us the EXACT coordinates of where it would land. “Somewhere between Nova Scotia and the tip of Argentina”. I need a little more than “It will land some time, at some place”. Much like that, I need a little more from the Lake Show in the eighties.

Rating: Pick a Year.

Present Day Miami Heat

When the hell is Drake gonna get off LeBron’s junk (family friendly alternative to what I could’ve posted)? Holy shit. He rides that SOB like Seattle Slew. The “Forever” music video and then the cover of the single on iTunes? A tit bit obsessive if I do say so myself. “Today’s Miami Heat plays above the rim. Larry Bird couldn’t even reach the rim”. Brian Wilson’s bear had to come back to defend Bird, and thankfully so. Another thing: Why does every time LeBron tweets, it is treated like Jesus came back?

Drake and LeBron? Please. Not a chance in hell that team, without a bench or a reliable point guard beats the ’86 Celts or the ’96 Bulls. And Drake CONTINUED to talk smack, saying “73-9. It can be done.”

Shut up Drake.

Rating: F; Win something.

1990’s New York Knicks

Better chance of Pete Rose getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame (although I think they should say “screw it, it’s a museum” and let him in) than the Knicks being in this conversation. Neither the, nor the Heat have a right to be here. Six words, two sets of numbers: “30 for 30 presents –Reggie Miller: Winning Time”. Again, need to have won something.

But you do have to love when a franchise’s starting point guard won the Heisman Trophy at Florida State. Shout out Alert! HOW WE DOIN CHARLIE WARD?!

Rating: F; Shoulda won something

Present Day Dallas Mavericks

They won the 2010-11 NBA title. There will not be a season next year. Even still, they aren’t the best team. A very good team yes; they won an NBA title. But not the GOAT.

Rating: B-

Thank you Skinny Pete for the suggestion. I thought something was weird about this commercial, but I needed a kick in the pants to write it. And who do I think is the GOAT?

The Celtics. C’mon, not a chance in hell I go against the Luck of the Irish.

@jlang20