The Quick Slant: 4 Weeks in the Books and the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes are Getting Clearer

All right folks we’re 4 weeks into this now and if you don’t know what ‘The Quick Slant’ is all about by now, then I’m sorry but I can’t help ya. Though I’m going to throw a bit of a changeup into this weeks edition, since the Patriots game went basically the same as the other three, except Brady didn’t throw four picks. My synopsis and takeaways from the Patriots game briefly: the defense is still porous as can be, having now been shredded by Jason Campbell, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Phillip Rivers, and Chad Henne. They are ranked 32^nd (out of 32) in yards given up, 31^st against the run, 32^nd against the pass, and 20^th in points per game defense. They suck. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. But thankfully for them, Tom Brady and Wes Welker reside on the offensive side of the ball, and the Hoodie appears to have actually committed to gaining balance on offense (50% run, 50% pass on Sunday), thanks in large part to the emergence of rookie Stevan Ridley. The kid looks pretty damn good. Tenth straight game scoring over 30 points for the offense, and the defense gets lit, but Brady in the brunch still prevail. Get used to this tagline; it appears to be the theme of the 2011-12 Patriots season.

Now that that’s taken care of, I’m going to diverge from the normal ‘Quick Slant’ material this week, to talk about the few teams who have emerged as prime contenders to tank their seasons and win the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. If you don’t know who Andrew Luck is, Google him and oodle over his stats, as well as the numerous Mel Kiper and Todd McShay articles slobbing his knob. I’m going to list the top four teams who I think are worthy candidates for a good tanking session, a la the Cleveland Cavaliers in hopes that the ping pong balls would land them LeChoke James, and why I think they should go for the 0-fer.

The Candidates:

Indianapolis Colts (0-4, and they just absolutely suck)

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. The loss of Peyton Manning, who did a great job for years of overshadowing the harsh reality that the team around him really wasn’t more than a 2-14 or 3-13 squad, has shown just how badly the Colts need to start transitioning towards the future. Manning is 35 and coming off three major neck surgeries in fifteen months. He conceivably only has two or three more years left at a high level, and that time would be spent wisely training Andrew Luck the way Brett Favre trained Aaron Rodgers. Wait a minute... Favre didn’t help Rodgers out at all, and even tried to sabotage his career. Never mind that analogy, but still he can teach Luck a lot about the intricacies of the game.

Chances the Colts go for the 0: 93%

Minnesota Vikings (0-4, though they’ve lead at halftime in each game, which proves that deep down they suck)

Everyone thought that the acquisition of Donovan McNabb would help right the ship after last years disaster. Wrong. I don’t know if Mike Shanahan necessarily had the right reasons for benching McNabb, but I do know that McNabb has quickly gone from solid starting QB, to over the hill and shitty. I know this team drafted Christian Ponder 12^th overall this year, but let’s be honest: outside of Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin (when he’s healthy), this team blows dog chunks, and Christian Ponder probably isn’t the answer. I’m guessing that around Week Eight, after Ponder has started a few games and proved that he was worthy of his second or third round grade, AP will sustain a season ending ‘knee injury’ to ensure a win in the Luck-stakes. Hopefully the organization recognizes how badly it needs Luck and follows suit.

Chances the Vikings go for the 0: 78%

Kansas City Chiefs (1-3, but don’t be fooled, that win came against the Vikings)

Last year, the Chiefs were the winners of the AFC West, and then were unceremoniously trounced by the Ravens in the Wild Card Round. They were the classic case of a horrible team getting a creampuff schedule, having a player or two take huge strides forward, and then looking a lot better than they actually are. This season, the Chiefs were given a big boy schedule, and they have showed how they fare against the big boys: Not Well. Losing star RB Jamaal Charles in week two to a torn ACL didn’t help matters much (did your fantasy team get fucked by spending the third overall pick on him too?). I know, Matt Cassel is signed to a longterm deal and he’s Scott Pioli’s guy, but he’s nowhere near the quarterback that Andrew Luck is going to be. You’ve already lost stud S Eric Berry for the year, as well as Charles. I say tank away Chiefs, and stop pretending you’re good. A mix of Berry and Tamba Hali on defense, to go with Charles, Luck, Dwayne Bowe, and Jonathan Baldwin on offense is a nucleus for the future.

Chances the Chiefs go for the 0: 47%, because again they think they’re better than they are

Miami Dolphins (0-4 and not even close to snagging a win – Sparano is probably gone soon to boot should’ve hired Jim Harbaugh)

The Dolphins couldn’t win at home last year, going 1-7 in South Beach. And this year, they can’t win on the road or at home – perfect combination of suckiness to land a franchise cornerstone at quarterback. The Dolphins do have some weapons on offense in rookie Daniel Thomas, Brandon Marshall, and Anthony Fasano. Hell I’ll even call Reggie ‘I’m a Pussy’ Bush a weapon, though he can’t stay on the field for more than three straight downs. Defensively this team is a mess for the most part, though Cameron Wake has been a revelation at getting after the QB. If I’m the Dolphins, playing in a division with perennial powerhouse Patriots, the yappy but talented Jets, and the resurgent Bills, I’m tanking and trying my best to ensure that Andrew Luck finds himself a locker in the Sun Life Stadium home locker room. Chad Henne is not the answer, so stop kidding yourselves Dolphins. You’ve tried for going on three years now to convince yourself that he was worth the second round pick you spent on him. Exactly like you did with Jon Beck, and how’d that turn out for you? Give up, go after the 0-fer, and try and beat out the stiff competition for Luck, namely the Indianapolis Curtis Painters. While you’re at it, fire Tony Sparano and let Luck start new with a young head coach.

Chances they go for the 0:  23%. Again, this team thinks they are decent…they aren’t.

The Seahawks should probably try their hand at getting into the Luck Bowl, but they seem to think that Tavaris Jackson is the answer at QB. Pete Carroll, you ole sailor you! Trying to sell us that turd sandwich as a number one quarterback.

Let the games begin NFL bottom feeders! Andrew Luck, I wish you all the luck with whatever shitty situation you end up in (if I’m you I’m pulling for Kansas City).

Until we cross paths again,

Geoff Jablonski